How to Break up with Someone (an ESTJ/P)
By Jeff Pearson
It had been a while since I had to break up with someone. And it’s always hard to break up with someone you appreciate and respect. This breakup wasn’t his fault.
Before I broke the news, I decided to talk to my wife first. “Maybe you should talk to him,” I suggested.
“Nope,” she said. “You signed the kids up for this sport. You tell the coach.”
She was right. We had overcommitted our kids to too many activities. Something had to give.
I liked the program and I liked the coach. So how do you tell someone you’re taking a break?
My first reaction was to treat the coach as I want to be treated. If you’re following this series, then you know how that can backfire. So I turned to the Code. The Code is my name for personality traits first brought to us by Swiss psychiatrist Carl Jung in the early 20th Century and commonly referred to as Myers-Briggs personality traits. This information can provide a helpful approach to understanding how others make decisions and organize their world. For a more in-depth discussion of each trait, you can read the first four articles of this series, When the Golden Rule Backfires, at www.acrossthemarsh.com/coachs-column.
Here’s the approach: Step 1, determine the Code of the person you’re trying to reach. Step 2, communicate with that person according to their preference, not yours.
Extrovert (E) or Introvert (I)
The coach is an extrovert. This means that he prefers to get the news in person, face-to-face, not via a text or e-mail. It also means he will likely want to talk about it immediately, unlike an introvert who prefers to first process the information, think about it, and then have a conversation.
Sensor (S) or Intuitive (N)
He’s a sensor, so he’ll want to hear the practical reasons for the breakup. An intuitive cares more about the big picture and might want to know if there is a deeper reason for the breakup.
Feeler (F) or Thinker (T)
This is the most important part of the Code. It’s where the most misunderstandings occur. Feelers are often sensitive. You must be careful not to offend them, otherwise, they’ll stop listening to whatever you say next. With feelers, it’s always best to start off with a compliment and tell them you appreciate what they’ve done and who they are. Even then, the breakup might go south quickly if you offend their values or beliefs. Use tact when you frame “the truth.” The truth, as you see it, can cut deep wounds in a feeler.
Thinkers more readily accept bad news, so long as it is true and honest. With thinkers, don’t start talking about feelings. Tell them you appreciate what they’ve done—all people like that—but move quickly to the point and don’t waste time with flattery. Don’t tell any fibs, even small ones, even if you think that’s being polite. Thinkers would rather hear the truth.
Our coach is a thinker, so I thanked him for what he had done for us, but quickly explained, in practical terms, why we needed to take a break.
Judger (J) versus Perceiver (P)
I wasn’t sure about this one, but I guessed that our coach was part judger and part perceiver. Judgers like it when others are decisive, not wishy washy. Perceivers like to keep their options open. They like the idea of the possibility of getting back together in the future. With this in mind, I told him, decisively so, that we had decided to take a break. I also explained that we hoped to rejoin the team later the next year, all of which was true and accurate.
Putting it all together, I approached the breakup as if our coach was either an ESTJ or an ESTP. How did it go? Very well, I think. And I’m looking forward to the day we can get back together again.