When the Golden Rule Backfires: Extroverts & Introverts

by Jeff Pearson

The world: “There is no substitute for in-person communication. Face-to-face conversation is always the best approach.”

Reality: “No, it’s not.”

In support of Reality, I’ll share an experience from many years ago when I was working with a friend who we’ll call Bill (not his name).

Bill was an Ivy League lawyer who did his job very well. I liked Bill. I enjoyed working with Bill. As his division officer (we were serving in the U.S. Navy), I believed it was important to stop by Bill’s office and discuss any new issues in person. Like clockwork, Bill would be diligently working at his computer. When I arrived, almost every time, he did this “thing” that made me wonder if I was missing something. Here was Bill’s thing: As I stood in his doorway, Bill would stop typing, swivel his chair toward me, and emit what I can only describe as a low-frequency growl.

With a smile, I would say, “Good Morning, Bill.”

“Good morning, Sir,” he’d respond. “What is it now?”

I would chuckle, and after exchanging a few more pleasantries, I would eventually explain what we needed done that day. He’d nod and perhaps say “thank you” and then growl again as he swiveled back to his computer. Determined to connect with Bill and form a better relationship, I upped my efforts to visit him throughout the day. Naturally, my approach failed.

If you think that in-person conversations with people like Bill are the right approach, then please, when you’re done with this article (or right now), stop what you’re doing and go apologize to the Bill’s in your life.

That’s what I did as soon as I learned that I had been trying to reach Bill in exactly the wrong way. In my own defense, I was following the Golden Rule, treating Bill as I would want to be treated.

If you’ve studied Myers-Briggs concepts, then you know how I was wrong. Even if you are not familiar with Myers-Briggs, you are probably familiar with the terms Extrovert and Introvert. Some think that being an Extrovert means one is more outgoing and social than an Introvert. This is not always true. Introverts can also become very animated, engaged, and passionate about discussing issues they care about (Bill was that way), especially when they are around others who care about the same issues. That said, in almost any team environment (work, family, friends), it’s helpful to know if you and those around you tend to be more extroverted or introverted. Why? Because there’s a 50 – 50 chance they don’t want to communicate the same way you do.

So how do we know if someone is an Introvert or an Extrovert? Like the other personality traits, there is a spectrum, with some falling near the center of being either introverted or extroverted. But the following clues might help.

Introverts tend to be calm and reserved. They think before talking. They enjoy time alone or around people they know well.

Extroverts tend to talk more than introverts. They often say what they are thinking as they are thinking. They tend to enjoy being around people, even those they don’t know very well.

According to Myers-Briggs, one is defined as either an Extrovert or an Introvert based on where they get and direct their energy, not necessarily whether they are “social” or not. Introverts can enjoy their time with others, but they need time alone to recharge. Extroverts, however, can recharge based on the energy of having others around them.

So how can you better connect with others who aren’t like you? When working with Extroverts, talk to them instead of writing an email. Expect them to talk continuously, so engage in the conversation to the extent you can. If your extroverted friend won’t let you get a word in, ask them to listen to you for a minute. If that doesn’t work, interrupt them (politely or bluntly, depending on the situation).

When trying to reach Introverts, give them time to think about an issue before discussing it. Listen to them and try not to interrupt. Send them an email with the issues before discussing them. And let Introverts finish their sentences.

As for my friend Bill, I asked him several direct questions after I realized I’d been wrong. I said, “Bill, do you prefer that I e-mail you first before coming to your office? Do you want time to think about an issue before discussing it?”

He responded, “Yes, of course.”

“Bill, I’m sorry,” I said. “I have failed you. Going forward, I will do better a job of understanding how you prefer to work. But here’s the thing, you must tell me when I’m wrong, because there’s a good chance that I have no idea what I’m doing.”

And, for the first time I could remember, Bill smiled. It marked the beginning of a wonderful relationship.