When the Golden Rule Backfires: How [Not] to Constructively Criticize Co-workers (Feelers & Thinkers)
by Jeff Pearson
What would you do if your boss told you to tell your co-worker that he/she is overweight? I was busy (very busy) when my boss stopped by my office and said, “Jeff, I need you to tell Bill [not his name] that he needs to lose some weight.”
In defense of my boss (and it’s a weak defense), we were in the military. As XO (meaning executive officer in military language), my boss was responsible for making sure we were within physical fitness standards. And everyone in my community was trained to provide timely and accurate advice to our clients and coworkers.
After processing XO’s request and noting that there were two other officers in tow, I asked, “Bill? The one that just reported for duty?”
“Yes,” XO responded.
“Sure. No problem,” I said and promptly went to Bill’s office to timely provide him with some accurate advice.
When I returned to my office, my XO asked, “How did it go?”
“Fine,” I responded, “I didn’t dance around the issue. He was busy, so I got right to the point.
“Well,” XO said. “What did he say?”
“Not much,” I said. “After a bit of silence, he grumbled a bit, launched a few obscenities, and in general seemed to take it quite well.”
“Good grief,” XO said and walked off.
I know what you’re thinking—that was an odd way for XO to thank me. Anyway, that all happened before I became fascinated with the Myers-Briggs personality traits. Perhaps (almost certainly) a smarter me would have paused first and recalibrated the message.
In my social circle (it was a small circle), criticizing each other was a way of telling each other we cared. I, for one, enjoyed an occasional ribbing. And at certain events, roasting each other was a custom, especially when among friends. So, I ask you now: Is it really that wrong to tell a friend he’s/she’s overweight?
Yes. The answer is most often and almost certainly, YES. Don’t do it. Even if you’re completely fine with criticism. Don’t do what I did and make the mistake of following the golden rule, treating my co-worker as I would want to be treated.
Imagine how Bill would have felt if he were a more sensitive type, for example, a Feeler-Judger per Myers-Briggs? Feeler-Judgers seek harmony, value feelings, and hold strong opinions.
[For a better understanding of these traits and personality codes, you can read the first four foundational articles of this series at www.acrossthemarsh.com/coaches-column]
If Bill were a more sensitive type, then he might have written me off as soon as I told him he needed to lose some weight. He might never feel comfortable working with me again, much less consider me a friend. It would have been completely natural for him to have tuned me out as soon as I criticized him.
If Bill were a Feeler-Judger, then I should have tried to reach him by starting with a positive comment. Perhaps I could have complimented him on his efforts and then eased into the subject of him being out of military standards. But the best approach, if he were a strong Feeler-Judger, might have been for me to follow the time-tested advice of the young Thumper rabbit: “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say nothing at all.” Strong Feeler-Judgers can get deeply offended by criticism (especially on sensitive issues) and, sometimes, there is simply nothing you can do to change that.
Here’s the thing: Some people, especially Thinker-Perceivers, don’t mind so much. They want you to get right to the point. They don’t want you to waste their time with politeness or soften the issue with flattery. They might even be suspicious if you started off a conversation with a string of compliments. Some people, especially Thinker-Perceivers, might even find the situation humorous and give me a hard time for, well, being me.
Note: Thinker-Perceivers are exactly the opposite of Feeler-Judgers per Myers-Briggs. While Thinker-Perceivers enjoy a good debate and even, at times, conflict, they can offend Feeler-Judgers without even knowing it. Like baking soda and vinegar, the two shouldn’t be mixed without consideration of how they interact. Human chemistry is real. It can be explosive, or if mixed properly, lead to wonderful combinations.
Looking back on the situation, I realize that if Bill were a Feeler-Judger, then my safest (but perhaps not the best) approach would have been to find someone else to deliver the message, which is exactly what my XO did.
The point is this: I was set up. And I should have given the exchange more thought. Mistakes are often made when we assume others will think, behave, and respond like us.
While you will hopefully not be in the same situation as me, there are likely other sensitive topics that you will consider bringing up with a co-worker, friend, or family member. The key in determining how and even if you should address the topic—and this is the hard part—is truly understanding your friend or co-worker.
As for Bill and me, we ended up serving several tours together and, to this day, we’re still friends. I think…
This is part of Jeff’s series—When the Golden Rule Backfires. It’s part of a continuous search for true empathy. #curiosity + #empathy = #growth